9 Apr 2015

My Brighton Fringe Diary #18 Is this funny? Why am I crying? #MyBrightonFringe2015 #MadeinCumbriashow #spiritjunkie

If I am honest I struggled with the Easter Bank holiday. I forgot it was happening. Ever been worried about feeling worried? Anxious about being anxious? Yeah. Not nice. I always have a slight rocky adjustment back into Brighton life when I have been up North for a while. 

Last week to try combat this I went swimming, running twice (I don't run) and yoga to beat any blues and get out some stress. I felt so great for the first few days. I want to tone up and get fit so I was proud of myself for getting out there in my bright leggings. I was so happy to be outside and it be Spring. I bought daffodils for my flat.....

.......Then, I totally over did it. I messed up my ankle and foot by doing too much. I am annoyed at myself as I should have taken it easier on myself. I can definitely say I have learnt from this experience. I promise I will be careful in future. Maybe I should do kick boxing instead? Although, I might injure someone else. I'll think about it. Anyway, ice is my new friend.

I started the Easter weekend by going to the Dome to see Dylan Moran's show, 'Off the hook'  with my friend Rob, a fellow comedian. I even wore a bow tie for the occasion. Dylan was amazing and his drawings/artwork was projected behind him all the way through. I got some inspiration from his drawings and of course his comedy. I wish I had taken a pen and paper in with me as I forgot most of the inspiration i had!  

I ended up working on my show over the Bank Holiday to keep busy. I got friends and family to record some questions for the show. I recorded and edited all my connections/music links in the show. These will hold the show together. 

I hate writing things up on a computer so the putting everything into script form is torture for me. I have so much editing to do too. The characters have only 5-6 minutes in the show and I have been writing 12-13 minutes worth of material. I guess it is better to have more.

I have been knocking my characters into shape and putting them into dreaded typed script form for my wonderful team of Tech and Director. 

Alex looks so happy to be holding my flyer....


Over the bank holiday I met up with Alex, my tech and we went through all the music and sound stuff. We had a lovely meeting at my venue The Quadrant and then Chocaffinitea, my favourite cafe in Brighton. 

I was worried about visiting the space and being really nervous. I actually felt very excited about the show! That's a good sign.

I have also been meeting with my Director, Nicola (see below). We went to The Quadrant last night to see how the characters might use the space. Not to give too much away, there will be lunging. I am good at lunging, even with a bad ankle. 

We are going through everything tonight and I am nervous. I notice that I am very vulnerable. The show means so much to me. I am currently only a tiny fraction away from crying at any moment. I have had my first mini meltdown crying today. Haven't cried since Christmas. Felt better afterwards though.  I just want the show to be fun and make people have a great time.
There is still lots to do. I feel like my face is right up against the script that I can't see clearly sometimes. This is why it is so important to have external people come along and help by listening to or reading the scripts.

All I keep thinking is, Is this funny? Am I funny enough? All insecurities are rearing their ugly heads. I keep reminding myself it will be OK, it's my first ever solo show and I know it's a learning experience. It won't be perfect. I can, however, keep improving it as I go along. I am also a bit nervous about my established comedy friends coming to see me perform. What if they think I am shit? I guess it's a chance I have to take. 

All this internal chatter is the ego and I have to let it go. All this is leading up to me wanting to go to Edinburgh next year so I have a end game in sight. I also have other dreams and goals that I want to achieve. I was explaining to a new friend about how I see myself like a stealth pilot just cruising along steadily, working hard, but a gentle progression until the time is right. A stealth warrior maybe? God, that sounds so like a wanker  like a hipster ! I secretly like it.

I wonder how many other comedians who are doing the Brighton Fringe are laying awake at night or crying in a disabled toilet at work wondering if there are funny enough? If you are, tell me!!

I am in no doubt there will be more tears. Don't break any upsetting news to me if you see, email or text me. I just can't handle that shit right now. Thanks in advance. Love you. x

Anyway, as it's been Easter here's a treat for you, some photographs of me with a graffiti seagull. Yeah.

Make sure you follow me on twitter @_JPostlethwaite On Instagram @_JPostlethwaite and on facebook at facebook/JanePostlethwaiteComedy 

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